Archive for the 'Satire' Category


Jurassic Park IV – Dumb and Dumbersaurus

There’s a story running on Bloody Disgusting currently that actually blew my mind, entirely. It’s a report which suggests, get ready for this, that the plot of the next Jurassic Park (IV) will be ‘about the government who has trained dinosaurs to carry weapons and use them for battle purposes.’ Oh, that’s…err…incredible.
If this is true, and a dark side of my personality wants it to be because they don’t make make big budget movies based on such god awful ideas often, then I wish I’d been a fly on the wall when some script guru pitched this to Spielberg and Co…and they went ‘That’s a cool idea…give the Dino’s big guns!’
I’m sorry, either this isn’t the real idea, or those green-lighting this project where dipped in psycho-reactive slime!

But it has inspired me to think up the Ten worst ideas for a franchise sequel.

10. The Bourne mediocrity – Jason Bourne discovers the best way to remain hidden is to master the art of being average, but makes too good a job of it.
9. The Fantastic 4: Baby Boom – The Fantastic 4 become parents, spawning super-powered kids with hilarious consequences. Stan Lee cameos as their paediatrician.
8. Legal Weapon 23: back in a diapers – Yes, they really are too old for this shit
7. Terminator 4: Total Recall – Our heroes must travel into the distant future, create a manufacturing fault in the Skynet factory, and get all the Terminators warranty recalled!
6. Bewitched: Witch and Bewitched – Exactly the same plot as the original, but with someone different playing Darren.
5. Ace-less Ventura – An Ace Ventura Movie without the named character or Jim Carrey(oops..sorry they’re doing that one!)
4. Out for a Quarter Past Under Siege – Seagal…need I say more?
3. Unnamed Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez project
2. Ghostbusters: the Musical
1. Jason vs. Pee Wee Herman – Pee Wee dresses up as a notorious serial killer, with hilarious consequences.


Jack Bauer rings PC technical support…

The Following takes place between 9:18am and 9:21am

Jack: My name is Jack Bauer; I work as an Agent with the Counter-Terrorism Unit. I’m having difficulty with this laptop you sold me, and it’s imperative that it works. It’s a matter of national security!
Support: What seems to be the problem?
Jack: The machine won’t boot, it contains information that might stop a terrorist incident, the chemical formula of a cure for cancer and people’s lives depend on me.
Support: Was the machine dropped or has it got wet?
Jack: I believe it was struck by .762 calibre copper jacketed round at a range of approximately 426 yards by a Lithuanian hit man, named Viktoras Skarbalius. And the bullet is lodged between the F2 and F3 keys. It is also slightly damp, as I left in it an airline locker with the severed head of Columbian drug dealer overnight. Please hurry, lives are at risk!
Support: Do you have your warranty information handy?
Jack: Er…no…is that important?
Support: I’m sorry we need to confirm that the computer in question was under warranty and the software on it was fully licensed.
Jack: Damn it!!!!I haven’t got time for this!!! People will die if you don’t help me – NOW!
Support: We’ve found some copies of the documents, but I’m afraid you’re not covered for attempted assassination or the bleeding of a 3rd party. We can arrange for the computer to be collected and repaired if you can give me your credit card details.
Jack: (silence)
Support: Sir, are you still there?
Jack: (silence)
Support: Hello?
Jack: I’ve traced your location using a re-tasked military satellite. I’ve got your exact position within 20 feet. If you don’t tell me how to get this computer working in the next 30 seconds I’m going to ring the President and get him to order a tactical nuclear strike on your location. Do…you…under…stand?
Support: Must I remind you that our phone calls are recorded for training purposes.
Jack: I don’t care. We have a national security crisis, fix my laptop NOW or DIE!
Support: Ok, but I want immunity from prosecution, signed by the Sectary of State, $10m in untraceable barrow bonds, and a real girlfriend.
Jack: Grrr….DAMN IT!
Support: That’s the deal, take it or leave it!
Jack: Ok, ok…how fast can you get to me? That information is vital in the fight against America’s enemies!
Support: How does 24 hours sound?
Jack: (the unmistakable sound of a semi-automatic pistol being cocked)