On Den of Geek I’ve been reviewing Merlin for my sins. Here is the complete list of my Merlin Reviews.
Archive for the 'TV' Category
08
Sep
08
Spooks: Code 9
My review of The Sarah Connor Chronicles on DVD is on Den of Geek here…
This is a great show, even if the DVD release doesn’t actually build much on that.
17
Apr
08
Bring back Spitting Image!!!!
I’ve seen two episodes of ‘Heachcases’ and it gives me a ‘Headache’, but for a longer diatribe of what I think go here.
Don’t you just love movies that have been dubbed by the morons that run American TV? No, me neither. Here’s a love letter to them on Geek!.
03
Apr
08
Dusty Bin Interview!!!!!
This could be the journalism break I’ve been hoping for, I got to interview a TV legend!
Enjoy!
19
Mar
08
Blue Peter vs. Magpie
Childhood memories and old antagonisms. I talk about both on Den of Geek today….here.
18
Feb
08
Knight Rider…is back!
Read my review of the new show at Den of Geek here
03
Nov
07
X-Files 2 Movie, why?
Variety announced that they’re starting production of a new X-Files movie! Why? More of my thoughts on this here on Den of Geek.
25
Oct
07
Yep! More Dexter S2 EP4!
I think I’ve got serial televisual tendencies! More about Dexter and season 2 episode 4 here.
A chance conversation unlocked childhood terror for me, which I put to some use in an article on Den of Geek here.
If you’re feeling especially brave here is some of the bladder weakening TV event for children from YouTube.
20
Sep
07
Blue Peter in cat naming scandal
This is a great story, and one I had to comment on. The Media Guardian is running a story here that could signal heads to roll at the BBC children’s stalwart Blue Peter. Having been caught telling lies to their viewers about the winners of competitions, and fined £50,000, it looks like they’ve been up to their tricks yet again!
This time it was the time honoured Blue Peter tradition of pet naming, where the most popular one submitted by the viewers is chosen. In January of 2006 Blue Peter got a cat, which was duly named ‘Socks’. But it’s now being reported that that wasn’t the name that won! What the Media Guardian hasn’t got is the name that was rejected, for being ‘unsuitable’, but according to them it wasn’t ‘Socks’.
Oh dear. If true it seems that Blue Peter has an issue with lying, specifically to it’s main audience children. I’m now concerned that my entire childhood is based on falsehoods, where smiling presenters told my lots that wasn’t actually true. Tell me it’s not true Blue Peter? Or at least tell me what the cat should of been called, so I can have a good laugh!
Update: The BBC has fessed up to this any more stupid lying about competitions on radio! Apparently the real name of the cat should have been Cookie, as in the Sesame Street monster. Apparently the grown-ups who run Blue Peter decided they didn’t like that or any of the other children’s ideas, and so made ‘Socks’ up themselves. That’s not having much consideration for your viewers, in my book. More pathetic apologies will be issued on the show when they get a new kitten, which we’ve been reliably old will be called ‘Cookie’, as in the common name in American for a biscuit. Funny isn’t it? We tell children not to tell lies because ‘they’ll catch up with you’ and then when we become adults we tell porkies about stupid stuff! I think all involved should have to return their Blue Peter badges, and then be kicked where it hurts by Valerie Singleton.
Counting down from the top, here are my 10 most disappointing attempts to convert some prior source material into new film franchise.
10. Catwomen (2004)
I’d read a few negative comments about this production before I saw it, but little prepared me for how utterly dreadful it is. What confused me entirely was that the title suggests a connection to the Bob Kane character, but what’s presented in it has as much to do with him as the carton series ‘Top Cat’. And, any delusions that winning an Oscar gives you some protection when you make a turkey soon evaporated for Halle Berry when this opened.
9. Van Helsing (2004)
This one is a bit weird, because it draws on the work of Bram Stoker, Mary Shelly and others, but curiously the Van Helsing in this movie isn’t the one that’s detailed in the Dracula book. The true source material is the 1930s Universal Studio monster movies, but whatever the origins it stunk. Much of the movie is entirely unwatchable as there is very little logic or connection between progressive scenes. Had Stephen Sommers given it the light and deft touch he’d used on the first Mummy movie it could have easily been a whole new outlet for High Jackman, but instead he used his mallet of sloppy film making to entirely trash it.
8. The Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)
With Barry Levinson directing, assisted by Frank Marshal, Steven Speilberg, and Henry Winkler producing, and the entire wealth of Conan Doyle’s archetypal detective Holmes, how could it go wrong? Big time, I’d suggest. I can’t really blame the cast, most of whom seemed well suited to their character rolls, with Nicholas Rowe being very good as the young Holmes. But parts of this production play like a weird Victorian version of the Goonies. It was an interesting premise, actually contradicted by Doyle’s own work, but ultimately an attempt to start a franchise that failed miserably.
7. The Saint (1997)
There are parts of this movie I enjoy, but what’s it got to do with the Leslie Charteris character? Not much from what I can recall of the novels, 1940′s George Sanders movies and his later TV incarnations with Roger Moore and Ian Ogilvy. The entire premise that the Saint was once a man who lived on the wrong side of the law, but is has chosen to fight crime seems entirely lost in this movie with Val Kilmer making the Roger Moore eyebrow acting seem positively expressive. The limp performance of this Saint at the global box-office means this franchise will need at least three miracles to be resurrected.
6. Lost in Space (1998)
It looked like converting this icon of 1960s TV for the big screen would be a challenge, but it turned out to be more of one than those assembled to make it could handle. Personally I love some of the design work in this production, but the performances of the actors and the script are not remotely up to the job. This was Matt LeBlanc’s only real stab at movie stardom, and it fell entirely flat, much like his career. Danger Will Robinson, this franchise is lost!
5. The Avengers (1998)
With what looked like interesting casting, and some amazing source material this could have been fantastic. But instead it was an utter fiasco, the likes of which I’m still coming to terms with. Sir Sean Connery should have kept the teddy bear outfit on for the whole dreadful proceedings and claimed he was never in it.
4. Æon Flux (2005)
If you’ve never seen the original animated version of this created by Korean American animator Peter Chung then you missed plenty, as it’s a curious blending of the stylised science fiction popularised by ‘Heavy Metal’ and hardcore animé. But the film version carries virtually none of these qualities with any success, and is a wholly abysmal celluloid experience despite having the stunning Charlize Theron in the lead roll. In most episodes Æon dies at the end, but this franchise was the fatality here.
3. Planet of the Apes (2001)
This is an almost unique scenario where an amazing film spawns a franchise that then is run into the ground. Then years later it’s relaunched and crashes a the first hurdle. Given the advances in effects since the 1968 original this could have been something special, but they appear to have started this movie without a script, and it ended before they’d rectified that. What didn’t help was people asking director Tim Burton what it was actually about and him replying ‘What do you think it’s about?’, while being interviewed to promote this drivel. Amazing potential, flushed down the toilet of film franchise.
2. Judge Dredd (1995)
While Arnhuld was the obvious choice for Dredd not too many people winced when they heard it had gone to Stallone, but they positively recoiled when they saw what had become of this British comic classic. In a film that swayed wildly between comic camp and a cop buddy actioner it managed to avoid hitting any of the potential target audience that enjoyed the comic, or science fiction for that matter. A mess of a movie where the events make little sense, and the characters would appreciate being one dimensional. I’d love to blame Rob Schneider, but he’s just gristle in the meat grinder that is Judge Dredd.
1. Thunderbirds (2004)
Given the richness of the source material this was a diabolical trashing of a franchise almost without precedent. Despite the potential to tap into an adult audience, like Transformers, Jonathon Frakes focused instead on the child friendly aspects, making the kids the leads. Too many kids, too many characters, not enough Thunderbirds action and Ben Kingsley playing Widow Twankie. The end result; a complete turkey. You might have directed the best Trek movie of recent times, but Please Mr Frakes, stay away from any other of my childhood memories.
There’s a story running on Bloody Disgusting currently that actually blew my mind, entirely. It’s a report which suggests, get ready for this, that the plot of the next Jurassic Park (IV) will be ‘about the government who has trained dinosaurs to carry weapons and use them for battle purposes.’ Oh, that’s…err…incredible.
If this is true, and a dark side of my personality wants it to be because they don’t make make big budget movies based on such god awful ideas often, then I wish I’d been a fly on the wall when some script guru pitched this to Spielberg and Co…and they went ‘That’s a cool idea…give the Dino’s big guns!’
I’m sorry, either this isn’t the real idea, or those green-lighting this project where dipped in psycho-reactive slime!
But it has inspired me to think up the Ten worst ideas for a franchise sequel.
10. The Bourne mediocrity – Jason Bourne discovers the best way to remain hidden is to master the art of being average, but makes too good a job of it.
9. The Fantastic 4: Baby Boom – The Fantastic 4 become parents, spawning super-powered kids with hilarious consequences. Stan Lee cameos as their paediatrician.
8. Legal Weapon 23: back in a diapers – Yes, they really are too old for this shit
7. Terminator 4: Total Recall - Our heroes must travel into the distant future, create a manufacturing fault in the Skynet factory, and get all the Terminators warranty recalled!
6. Bewitched: Witch and Bewitched - Exactly the same plot as the original, but with someone different playing Darren.
5. Ace-less Ventura - An Ace Ventura Movie without the named character or Jim Carrey(oops..sorry they’re doing that one!)
4. Out for a Quarter Past Under Siege – Seagal…need I say more?
3. Unnamed Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez project
2. Ghostbusters: the Musical
1. Jason vs. Pee Wee Herman - Pee Wee dresses up as a notorious serial killer, with hilarious consequences.
17
Aug
07
iPlayer is messed up again!
The BBC iPlayer is messed up again. Today I wanted to download Mock the Week, which was on while I was drinking vino and watching Bourne Ultimatum courtesy of ASUS in London last night. But no, it’s not there, is neither is most of the content for the 16th. If people start expecting this to work, and it does this rubbish they won’t be very keen on the BBC spending their license money on it, will they? I know it’s a beta, but some of the underlying technology just doesn’t appear to be reliable, from a technical standpoint. BBC sort it out, now!
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